Childhood abuse, PTSD, RAPE SURVIVOR, Uncategorized

Being my authentic self

My therapist has described my need or want to tell about my abuse as my desire to be my authentic self with people who are close to me in my life. It made sense but at the time I didn’t know how much impact it would have on me as I spoke out to family member, then friend , then another friend.

Yesterday I found myself sitting having my nails done talking to the beauty therapist I know well for several years and who knows I have been an inpatient in a clinic twice this year. “How are you doing?” she asked ” Have you cut off ties with your parents completely now?” Yes, I replied ” Is that because they just don’t understand the depression ?” she asked. And then I said it, quietly but matter of factly. No, it was because I feel they didn’t safeguard me when I was groomed and sexually abused as a child. She nodded but didn’t seem as shocked as I was having not planned to tell her, not planned to tell anyone just off the cuff like this. But there it was, the words out there. And her lack of surprise saddened me. She’s the same age as me, 41, and in her years she had heard other sad stories and mine wasn’t her first. It wasn’t the most shocking thing she’d ever heard and gently and calmly carried on chatting with me.

I found myself struggling for the rest of the day, cancelling my other appointments and now today, a work day I have had to call in sick. Because I am, PTSD is an illness and today I am not winning and feel scared and vulnerable.

What is so upsetting for me and unsettling is how my mood, my anxiety was affected so quickly by a few unplanned words and there I am again- in the middle of panic and memories I can’t box up or control. My hands are shaking and I won’t know until I reflect later whether this post has made much sense.


Childhood abuse, PTSD, RAPE SURVIVOR

Mental Health clinic stay

So I’ve spent in total (over 2 stays) 8 weeks in a private mental health clinic this year. That’s nothing I could have guessed if you’d asked me last year. But last year I hadn’t even started to connect with my trauma emotions that sat dormant for 29 years. Well dormant isn’t really true is it ? They had a daily impact on my self esteem and were the basis of my feeling worthless and never good enough but I did not know that this all stemmed from rape when I was 12 . I did not know it was called rape as in my memories I am 12 again, with a man who although he gave me drugs and assaulted me also lead me to believe I was his girlfriend. I wanted him to like me or love me, but even now relating to those events as an adult and putting the adult words to it feels so hard. My therapy continues and my consultant is clear and blunt to make me face the words rape, grooming, assault. I could not consent, I was 12, I cried and said no, he physically hurt me, and to make me more compliant gave me drugs. My mind is still a jumble of emotions and so apologies that my new site is jumbled too.


When does PTSD recovery start if you’re still in pain?

I will start this post my reminding anyone reading that I’m not a professional just a trauma survivor, a survivor of childhood grooming, rape and assault.

So, naturally my comments will resonate with some and not with others. Likewise I may choose to talk about what works or doesn’t work for me but you will have to determine whether this could apply to you.

As i write I am in a private mental health clinic after a period of instability from my PTSD. It’s my second clinic admission this year and that feels strange. Have I failed at recovery by being re-admitted or can i find the compassion to simply say I got to a hard bit of the recovery journey, also had some unpleasant external triggers and had to reach out again for help.

As further background my treatment consists of a mix of meds, Antidepressants,anti-psychotic (for the PTSD flashbacks) 1-2-1’s with separately psychiatrist and psychologist and at the moment while I’m in as an inpatient in the clinic lots of group therapy. That includes yoga, mindfulness, class on managing anxiety and depression and group therapy which allows us to openly express feelings in a confidential environment. I will not speak about anything that gives on in group therapy on any of my blogs as even though this is anonymous i would feel i was breaking a trust.

Now i am starting week 3 of my admission and have had many ups and downs. In the last week I have had triggers from outside (family) that have lead me to have extreme flashbacks and needed immediate additional fast acting medication to bring me back to one conscious state and to sedate and help me sleep.

However, in this moment, I am feeling hopeful. Yesterday I had a breakthrough in my thoughts and am busily trying to process those thoughts, hold them close and then write write write in my journal so I can discuss and take my new thoughts to my psychiatrist later today

More about my new breakthrough thought later



Am I a blogger?

So, I’ve set up just use your voice for very personal reasons. But also I hope in time my posts may reach other survivors of childhood abuse and that things I have experienced, feelings I share and my experience with recovery, therapy and trying to live with PTSD can help others. I’d welcome any constructive comments and questions but will not respond to any potential trolls. Let’s hope that it never comes to that. Thank you, more soon


Can you tell?

I’m new to blogging and WordPress and my site is half finished and a bit of a mess, but if you’re reading this, Bear with me. It’s taken me 29 years to find my voice to admit my childhood trauma let alone use my voice for any other purpose than crying and screaming through the hideous PTSD flashbacks I encounter regularly.

So, this is just the start and more words will come as use my voice, and make this about having a choice and being able to speak