So I’ve spent in total (over 2 stays) 8 weeks in a private mental health clinic this year. That’s nothing I could have guessed if you’d asked me last year. But last year I hadn’t even started to connect with my trauma emotions that sat dormant for 29 years. Well dormant isn’t really true is it ? They had a daily impact on my self esteem and were the basis of my feeling worthless and never good enough but I did not know that this all stemmed from rape when I was 12 . I did not know it was called rape as in my memories I am 12 again, with a man who although he gave me drugs and assaulted me also lead me to believe I was his girlfriend. I wanted him to like me or love me, but even now relating to those events as an adult and putting the adult words to it feels so hard. My therapy continues and my consultant is clear and blunt to make me face the words rape, grooming, assault. I could not consent, I was 12, I cried and said no, he physically hurt me, and to make me more compliant gave me drugs. My mind is still a jumble of emotions and so apologies that my new site is jumbled too.